Post by j***@gmail.comPost by s***@gmail.comDid this go anywhere? I have been looking for this for years.
I found it online in 2005 but I can't seem to track it down anymore. I'll keep looking.
This is the version I found in 2005. Not quite the way I remember it, but the gist of it is there....
Flight 52
How do you do, ladies and gentle-men. Dis is your capitan, Alphonse St. Ceboire, welcoming you on board Trans Quebec Hairways flight number one to St. Barnabe, St. Elie de Caxton, st Louis de Ha Ha, St Hagaphit and a few other places dat I am not sure of at de moment because I an not sure which way duh wind is blowing. At dis time I would like to introduce you to de other peoples in my crew. My co-pilote is Joseph Carpentier from Chibougamou, Quebec; haldough only 18 years old, he has had many years experience driving his fathers tractor at the farm. Also, the boy was a class 'A' model aircraft champion for de whole region of Chibougamou, and hes make a big help for me in steering de aircraft. Your stewardess is Gigi, who comes to you directement from Chez Manon on the Main Street here in Montreal, where she is famous for mixing dis and dat ting, but mostly for her specialty of a Mae West and a Pepsi on the side. As for me, I have spent many hours on the stimulator at St. Tite, Quebec, and for many years I was the operator of the mini plane ride in Kiddieland at the Parc Belmont amusement park. So you see, ladies and gentle-men, we have a most experienced gang to fly this aircraft. You will excuse me if I do not go back to speak to you personalment, but it happens that I went to a bad place last night and today my stomach she's feel very bad.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, as require by duh Cartierville Flying Club, of which dis airline is a charter member, I would like to call your attention to the safety features which have been provided for your safety and convenience. Dis airplane has four engines, two on each wing, each one independant from de other one. Now, for you peoples who don't understand dos technical terms, dat means if one engine stops, the other tree going to keep us up. However, if two engines stop, my co-pilote will go back and lead you all in one Hail Mary. And, mon dieu and heaven forbid, if three engines stop, Joseph will go back and lead you in one Our Father and as many Hail Marys as possible in the time remaining to us. I could not go back and lead you myself because our automatic pilot is not working and somebody has to steer the plane. Also, ladies and gentlemen, in the event dat prayer is needed, we have on board dis aircraft a fantastic machine. We call it the Tabernacle Automatique and it is guaranteed by the manufacturer for fifty Hail Marys per minute. I am sure you will agree dat dis is nothing less dan fantastic. As an added feature, we have on de dashboard of de cockspit, a medal of St. Christopher and a statue of the Holy Mother. The medal was blessed at the Pope's office in Rome and we got a personal guarantee from Cardinal Spagalli for 300 hours flying or 400 foots up, whichever come first.
One of the main safety features of dis aircraft are the wings. Each one is attached by a special glue so that, in the event of a fire in one of the motors, my co-pilote can press a button in the dash making de whole wing fall away, and preventing the fire from continuing to the cabin. for dos of you who still feel insecure, I would like to assure you dat immediatement after took off, we will circle the Oratoire St. Joseph for two minutes, maximum. However, for a small donation, which can be placed with Gigi, we can make dat five minutes, maximum. At dat time, if you look downwards very hard, you could perhaps see the box dat contains de heart of Frere Andre.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to drive to the took-off point, so would you all please distinguish your cigarets and place your seats in de up tight position, and make sure de double lock safety thing is attached to de most hardest part of your body. Tank you and we hope you will enjoy your flight experience with TQH.
"Allo, tower? Dis is capitan Alphonse St. Ceboire of Trans Quebec Hairways requesting information on how to get to de starting point for took-off. Over."
"Right-to, old chap, no need to give me the details of your life. Just the number of your flight will be adequet in the future. You are cleared to active runway 180 and hold until further advised. Wind 10 at 160, squawk 3. Departure at 181.4. Over"
"Allo, tower? I tink I know what's means dat but maybe it would be better all around if I just follow the guy with the yellow tail who just pass by. Uh...and could you tell me what's means dat word, squawk?"
"TQH number 1, just as you wish, old chap. Please advise me when you reach your took-off point, as you put it. Squawk, by the way, means call me when you reach 3000 feet."
"Hokay, mon chum. Tanks to you dat guy with da yellow tail she's gone. It's hokay for me to go now?"
"Right-to, old boy. Give it a try. Pip pip, old chap; have a good trip."
"Merci tower, and me and Joseph says pip pips to you too."
"Hokay, Joseph, flap the wings and trim the hydralic and whatever else it say in da book and make sure tyhe red light is green and dos other tings in front of you is working good."
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is capitan Alphonse St. Ceboire speaking; we just received the permission to took off. Our flying time will be two hours and some minutes, depending on how fast the wind is on our tail. We will be flying at an altitude of 3999 feet. Before we go from the ground, I would ask you peoples to observe Gigi, who will demonstrate the use of the oxygen mask, which will pops from the top of you if needed. Also, should we be forced to land on water, god forbid, there is a rubber raft in the rear of the airplane. In the event the mask pops at you, we would ask that you face the rear and blow out your wind very hard, den put the mask over your nose."
"Tower here.I say, number 1, from what the radar chaps have told me, you have just wiped out the landing lights on the right side of the runway. Please advise, old chap."
"Allo, tower. Uh...I am sorry about dat. Joseph he's forgot to let go of the brake pedal de same time as me. But do not worry, we are going to back up and de next time we are going straight up in the air. Merci."
"Ladies and gentlemen, dis is your capitan speaking, we seen to have a small problem techical. While we are going back to de starting point, Gigi will serve each and every one of you with a complimentary Pepsi at no extra charge. However, we would ask that you return de empty bottles so dat dey will not rattle on the took-off."
"Allo, tower. Dis is TQH number 1 calling you again for de clearance. We are ready to bid you adieu but before we go, could you please tell me the score of de hockey game between Boston and the Montreal Canadiens at de Forum. Over to to. Thank you.
"TQH 1, tower here. Look, old shoe, would you mind terribly removing your aircraft from the active runway immediately? The score, by the by, was Boston 10 Montreal 2."
"Hokay, hokay, tower. We are going. Salute and tank you."
"Calice Joseph, you heard dat? It's not possible dat Canadiens play so bad. I had some good pots on that game too. Oh well, c'est la vie. Dis time, Joseph, don't forget to step off the brake de same time as me, hokay? We are going to put dis sum da bitch up dere on de first shot dis time."
"Ladies and gentlemen, dis is your capitan speaking to you again; we are finally up in the air. Gigi will shortly be passing by you with a large assortment of chocolate bars and shewing gum, at no extra charge, of course. And if you cannot get dat safety ting off the most hardest part of your body, I am sure Gigi will be most happy to asist you. For your entertainment, we have a full-length movie picture entitled Tarazan Plays With His Monkey. And for dos of you in de first class section,we have an added feature entitled How To Make Holy Water For Fun And Profit. Also, you will see how to catch long distance blessing by the Pope. Tank you."
"Hokay, Joseph, you take over and drive the airplane now. After I get Gigi to get me someting for my hungover, I am going to try to catch me some sleep. Follow de compass and de directions I put on de dash."
